Tomorrow

  

Time shows 11.10pm.

Tomorrow will create another memories with someone. 

Someone that come here. 

With his pure heart. 

Just to meet each other. 

For a long time doesn't contact. 

And tomorrow will be a wonderful day for me.

Hoping that, 

Sweet memories will create. 

Not fight each other. 

BECAUSE, 

there's a limit in our time tomorrow. 

Let's drink a cup of coffee and a slice of cake. 

I'll wait.

Special Letter Part 2

Mama,

Having a mother like you while growing up was the greatest gift and biggest advantage anyone could ever have given me. It is because of the confidence and values that you instilled in me that made me who I am today. Thank you for shaping me into a person who I like and am proud to be. Thank you letting us believe that we could be whoever we wanted to be, do whatever we wanted to do, there were no limitations except our drive, ambition and creativity.
Having you in my life through out my infertility has been a literal life and sanity saver for me. If there was a text book on how to be the perfect mother to an infertile daughter, it would have you as the role model.
Thank you for your unwavering support through out my journey.
Thank you for reading all the books that I read, thank you for learning about a world that must be so foreign to you.
Thank you for taking me to hospital and sitting with me through all those retrievals and transfers.
Thank you for taking me to acupuncture after transfer when I couldn’t drive, thank you for sitting there with me.
Thank you for holding my hand.
Thank you for always having hope for me when I didn’t have for myself.
Thank you for telling me not to give up when I said I couldn’t do it any more.
Thank you for never giving up on me when I went through that dark period, when I shut every one out of my life. When loving me must have been like trying to hold a cactus. Thank you for loving me through all of my rejections of help and love. .
Thank you for mediating in the relationship with my sister, I know it must be very hard for you to be stuck in the middle of the tension that was between us. Thank you for never taking sides.
Thank you for driving all the way from home to take me to my scans.
Thank you for taking me to those appointments.
Thank you for being my good luck charm.
Thank you for being such a wonderful mother.Thank you for being so wonderful when your own childhood was so hard, your mother was so hard. Thank you for not allowing the cycle to repeat itself, it could have happened so easily.
Thank you thank you thank you. For a million things, for everything. I don’t know what I would do without you. There are so many many more things, small things, big things.
I love you very very much.
Thank you mother, I love you, more than words can ever express.

Special Letter Part 1

 

 

Abah,

I could start by thanking you for the easy things. My bed, my clothes and the food that you put on the table when I was young. The patience, love and understanding that you showed me in accepting me as I was.What I really want to thank you for is all of the small decisions that you made on a daily basis that I will never know about. I want to thank you for the times that I cried as a baby, and you got up out of bed to hold me because you wanted to let mom sleep. A lesser man would have outsourced the ‘responsibility’ to his wife and gone straight to bed but you chose not to. I want to thank you for the times that you let me see you cry, so I could understand that when my friends told me that “boys don’t cry,” they weren’t telling the truth. I want to thank you for how you handled the rough patches in your life, as you turned further into the love of your family when you could have just as easily closed off to us. I want to thank you for all of the times that you carried me on your shoulders, even when I was getting too big to be up there. I want to thank you for every time you kissed, hugged, or complimented mom, my siblings, and I even before my brain was storing memories for every single one of those moments is locked in my mind and my heart forever. I want to thank you for being the best possible role model I could have hoped for. And for all of the moment to moment tiny decisions that you made, that I will never know about, that forged you into the man, and the father, that you became. I love you, Abah.

Scared

Sometimes, I'm just keep thinking about my past and my future.

What I've done & what I will be in future. 

Honestly, I'm scared for now. 

Scared that I'm failed be a good daughter, a kind sister, understanding friends and a patience woman. 

When I'm feel down and sad.

The way to release it by cry only.

I will cry as much as I want. 

Because that's the way I am to calm myself. 

Time to time. 

I don't know how many hours, minutes, seconds or years more that I have. 

If the times is coming. 

Dear Allah. 

Don't make them feel sad of me. 

I wanna go with peace and big smile. 

Days by days. 

Whole body weak. 

Eyes keep blurring. 

Lips full of ulcer. 

Difficult to breath every night.

Too much medicines that I need to take everyday. 

But I'll keep my mind to positive.

Diseases

If you don't mind me. 

I'm begging. 

Please go away. 

I've still have my big family that I need to cheer them. 

Or else.

Please give me strength and patience with my life now.

Deserve

Regardless of the situation you always gotta be there for people that were always there for you. It's called loyalty. You will only realize what you want when you don't have it anymore.

Now, smile. Enjoy your life. Wipe your tears. Stop overthinking. Everything is going to be fine. When there are problems. There are solutions. Go figure out. Work smart & don't push yourself too hard. Take a break & reward yourself once in awhile. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

Temporary

You might think I am fine but actually I am not.

I am struggling but I still keep going. 

Because pain is temporary.

Same goes to relationships. 

They are temporary. 

Same goes to you. 

You are temporary.

Everything is temporary. 

Nothing lasts forever.

But I am thankful you gave me so much in a short period.

Thank you. 

I will become a stronger person one day.

Daily life

Wake up in the morning.
Two eyes open.
Keep looking at the white window.
The sun was rise.
Think back what I dream of.
It's a bad dream.
It's a bad dream.
Try to control the emotions.

But,
Crying hard.
Try to relax and calm again.

Take a deeper breath before getting worse.
Going down.
Make a coffee for breakfast.
Notebook is ON.
Trying to confess in diary.
Life and love is complicated.

Life and love was so hard.
Not easy to erase the memories.
All memories still fresh in mind.
Desperately to forget the bad memories.
Want to start a new memories in life.
Don't want to do the same thing again.
Too much tired care and appreciate of someone before this.
End up.
It's away from daily life.
Hoping that "you" did not treat the same thing to her.
Giving a fake love & fake memories.
Because for girls and woman.
Love is beautiful memories need to be created 💗

Should I ?

Should I erase all my happiness and sadness memories with you before this ?

Should I keep move on with my life now ?
Should I stayed at the same place ?

AND

Should I slowly go away ?

YES, you should, Ili. 

p/s : listen to the rhythm of the falling rain & a cup of latte.  

It's a process

Assalammualaikum and morning in advance,

Since already 4.15am, I can't sleep. I'm wake up and have a conversation with Him for awhile. Cry to Him. Asking Him all question that I doubt. And give me a strength to start new day next morning. 

Yes, the checkup's result was coming out. It's hard to say and story here. Better keeping it before others (my friends) know it. Since only my family know the real situation. I think and I preferred that to keep my checkup's result 📉

When I think again. Which prospective in-law would dream of having a disease-law to marry his/her own son. This is my fate. I'm grateful that I'm still alive until now and had a beautiful family besides me. Even I don't have someone special yet or maybe I have but it's been a long time ago. So I decide to manage myself alone with beautiful memories💓. 

Now I understand why we need to let go and make peace with our past. Sometimes people can't be together because of some unwanted circumstances. And we can't question why. I used to hate myself for loving someone so much and lose myself and my values loving someone. But now I understand. Even it's hard but we need to accept them. This is better😊

It's a process. It's a journey. 

Forgetting someone takes a lot of efforts. Moving on takes a lot of efforts. I believe it's a process that I have to go through in order to feel better. But everything is hard nowadays. Even studying gets hard. But I rather make myself busy than keep thinking about my past. The best thing is I will never give up on myself. Because I know I deserve to be happy. I deserve to achieve great things in my life. Yes, I get tired a lot these days. I feel like giving up. But then I remembered why I started. I have a long way to go. It's a journey, afterall 💪

Find someone who really love you. Who really care and accept all your flaws. Someone that can give you a happy life. Someone that can make your family happy too.  I wish that you can find someone perfect. Someone who really care their personality, health and relationship between Allah. Find someone else. And I pray that your parents will accept that "someone else". But not me 🌷

I know my own condition. I know my situation. I don't want to be a reason that you can't start a new life. Go and start your new day without thinking of me for now on. I believe that your life will be more brighten up and sweet memories keep created day by day without me. Take a breath and slowly we erase our past memories. I wish you best of luck to get through day by day after this.Yeah, find courage to start again with someone new. It takes time. It take efforts to let things go. To develop the feelings. But I'm sure, you can do more than this 😉

Now, I set you free. Fly high, my love/friends. Because now, I don't have special talent to make you stay with me. And always believe that good things take time. You'll be fine 🎈

And I'll be fine too here. 

p/s : Time will heal everything  ⏳